The Musical Car Crash Hall of Fame

Pop stars eh? Where would we be without them? They warble, croon and harmonize on our televisions and radios, letting us know what we have to wear while they mainline another injection of white hot aural nicotine straight into our brains, which we then download on itunes, buy in the shops or stream on spotify, then play it over and over again until the words are engrained in our minds, each harmony and cadence dedicated to memory like the name of a firstborn child.

Tell you what they’re not very good at though; driving cars. While people like Marc Bolan are almost as famous for car crashes as their careers, there are three pop stars in particular who deserve a space in the Pop Music Hall of Fame…

Britney Spears

Whilst Britney, bless her heart, has never had a particularly notable car crash (I’m not making the “Other than her whole life” joke – I’m above that), the sheer number of them is well worth her inclusion in this hall of fame. A quick Google search for “Britney Spears Car Crash” should quickly demonstrate that bumping a Mercedes around the cities of America is a great way to stay in the papers, and as long as you don’t hurt anyone, nobody minds too much if you’re Britney Spears.

What is a little odd however is this: While it’s Britney behind the wheel as she merrily Carmageddons her way through the highways and byways of the USA, during an incident in 2008, it was her bodyguard who had to go and swap details with the upset driver. Seems Britney is perfectly happy to go slamming into other people, she doesn’t want to deal with the consequences…

George Michael

George is the master of getting caught in cars with drugs on him – not surprising when the man claims to have smoked 25 joints a day at his peak! In 2007 he was found obscuring the road in his Range Rover while off his cake, and earlier this year he planted a car into a branch of Snappy Snaps in London – Sparking Headline Writers and journalists all over the country into a flurry, desperate as they were to be the first to come up with a “They’ll do anything to get in front of the cameras” joke. He’s also managed to smash into a 7 ton lorry on the A34 and total a Range Rover, but that wasn’t related to the wacky tobacky.

Unlike most celebrity demolition derby drivers however, George has actually served time for his offences. He served four weeks at Her Majesty’s Pleasure this year, and is now banned from driving for 5 years.

Brian Harvey

Seriously, I wouldn’t like to be this fella when he goes online to do his car insurance comparison. There probably isn’t a tick box for “I ran myself over while I was being sick out of my car after three baked potatoes”.

Yeah, that’s right. After wolfing down a dinner of three tuna and cheese baked potatoes, Brian went to drive away (presumably to buy another floppy hat). However, the poor guy felt a little sick, and after pulling over he leaned out the car, probably hoping nobody saw him, but confident it couldn’t get worse…
Bang. Splat.

The man nearly died though, to be fair: punctured lungs, broken ribs and a pelvis fractured in seven places isn’t exactly a laughing matter…